Maia
Please state your name and age.
Maia, 29.
What 12-Step Program(s) were you formerly, or currently, a part of—such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Marijuana Anonymous, etc.?
I was primarily a part of Alcoholics Anonymous, though I also went to Narcotics Anonymous and Chemically Dependent Anonymous (CDA).
Okay and sometimes I went to Al-Anon.
At what age did you join and when did you leave the 12-Step Program(s)?
I was sent to my first meeting when I was 15 years old, and I got sober on March 27, 2013, when I was 18 years old.
I was completely sober from all mood-changing and mind-altering substances for 6 years.
In those 6 years, I was heavily involved in the 12 Step World - leading meetings, sponsoring women, attending a handful of meetings each week; I’ve gone through Stepwork in both AA and NA numerous times and attended many a convention.
It has now been about 5 years since I left 12-Step Programs.
Though I do occasionally return during really challenging periods in life, or to take a friend to a meeting who wants to get sober - returning to a meeting feels like visiting an old friend, rather than a home now.
What prompted you to start considering leaving the 12-Step Program(s), and what ultimately led to your decision to leave?
I began questioning the 12-step model as I encountered individuals whose recovery paths didn't fit traditional definitions.
I’ve known people who were heavily addicted to heroin for years, but can now drink socially, occasionally. Some people seem to become addicted to a substance for a time, but then years later are no longer affected. I’ve known people to get and stay sober, happily without ever going to a 12-Step Program. I’ve noticed especially with people who got sober as teenagers, many have been able to return to “normal” after periods of long-term sobriety.
Even more importantly, after seeing enough friends and people within the recovery community die from addiction — I started to think, there must be another way. (Harm Reduction?)
Other thoughts:
I no longer wanted to identify as primarily an Addict/Alcoholic.
The longer I stayed sober, I started to see how “clean time” was not synonymous with emotional sobriety.
Long-term recovery was more of an anomaly than the norm. It is prized because so few can truly achieve it.
It does not make sense to me how someone can have 30 years clean, and then drink once (without any consequences) and have to start over their clean time…
I became fed up with 13th steppers - we all know them. As a young female in recovery who would look after even younger women trying to get sober - to see the lack of protection within the Rooms, and lack of awareness or protection within the Literature, was unacceptable to me.
The Literature was written for a different time, for men primarily of a certain age, demographic, and economic standing. My story is quite different than Bill’s. Of course, I can relate to the feelings, and till my dying day, I will credit 12-Step Programs for saving my life. But there are many other types of recovery stories.
I also did try to share my thoughts/concerns with my 12-Step Community. I did not leave the Rooms without asking: why can’t we update the Big Book, how is it possible that a man with 30 years clean who is a known predator can still lead a meeting, at what point do we question the efficacy of the program when so many people are still dying from addiction? Bless my sponsor who would listen to me lovingly and who is still in my life today. I want to say, in defense of the 12-Step community - I do understand. For many years I held onto my sobriety like my life depended on it, which it did. If you told me to go to 8 meetings a day for a year, I would have. I took my recovery seriously because I knew it was my last hope. And so anytime anyone challenged the 12-Step beliefs, I was quicker to shut them out of my life, than allow any doubt about sobriety and the 12-Step way of life to slip its way into my mind. Nevertheless, over time, with life experiences and with a lot of therapy, I started to see things differently.
In (not so) short, it was a culmination of all these thoughts above, and I am sure many that I am forgetting, that slowly made me question and eventually leave my 12-Step Program.
And for what it’s worth, I am also Saggitarius and prayed that curiosity would not kill the cat.
Have you found anything to partially or fully replace 12-Step Recovery, such as spirituality, community, service, hobbies, or a wonderful therapist?
I do all of the above.
I want to say that it took me honestly a very long time to adjust to life outside of the Program. I grew up in meetings. I spent my 21st birthday sober. I still say the serenity prayer every day.
But over time, I learned to rely on my long-term friends, long-term partner, and family for emotional support.
I now volunteer regularly and work in the addiction field.
I go camping, hiking, and biking. I throw pottery on the wheel and I just taught myself stained glass art. I like to knit and crochet (thanks rehab friends), listen to music, read, and go on long walks on the beach … I have many hobbies, see Saggitarius above.
I go to a Unitarian Universalist Congregation (though, I am still kind of uncomfortable in religious settings). I practice yoga daily and sometimes go to a Buddhist monastery with a friend for group meditation.
I’ve also been blessed with a couple of really wonderful therapists.
Do you consider yourself in recovery today? How do you define recovery? Do you use alternative terms or concepts instead of sobriety or recovery?
I do consider myself to be in recovery. I believe most people are in some form of recovery, whether that be from drugs and alcohol, people-pleasing, or Catholicism.
My version of recovery consists of remaining abstinent from “hard” drugs, while occasionally drinking or smoking weed in social settings. Although I drank and smoked during my addiction years, they were never my substances of choice. And today I still find that I can take them or leave them — more often than not I prefer chocolate milk.
I prefer to use the term recovery over sobriety because it feels more spacious and inclusive. I would say I am a harm-reductionist. My friend once said that she prefers to say growing. She is always growing.
What advice would you give to someone who is contemplating leaving a 12-Step Program(s)?
Honestly, I would say to not take it lightly. It of course depends on the individual, and what addiction looks like for you.
For me, I used high-risk drugs and engaged in high-risk activities to get high and stay high. So to be sober or to not be sober felt like a matter of life and death for me.
My advice (solely based on my own experience!) would be to journal, have many conversations with trusted friends/mentors/family, maybe get a therapist, and think about what boundaries feel good for you. Create a contingency plan, and find people to hold you accountable.
I also started an informal group with some friends from 12-Step Programs who like me, wondered if there was another way to live outside of traditional recovery models. We’d talk about our concerns with 12-Step Programs, what we would change, and the kind of life we envision for ourselves. I believe there’s a real need for open discussions like these in every community.
I encourage everyone to make some noise in their community and see who comes around. Let’s create those spaces where we can support each other without judgment.
Anything else you would like to share? Funny story? Golden brain nugget?
As cheesy as it feels for me to say, I believe everyone’s experience of sobriety/recovery is valid. I support anyone doing anything to help themselves, in whatever way they feel is best.
I also want to say that at least for me, 12-Step Programs were the first step in recovery for me. The Steps and 12-Step Community get a lot right - like valuing community, accountability, offering a framework for self-reflection, and service to others. It is a testament to 12-Step Programs, that I got well enough to leave the Rooms!
Lastly, I am eternally grateful for all the women who loved me until I could love myself. I hope to do them justice and to continue to pay forward all of the love I have received.